letting go

I was sad; I was hurt. I was going crazy. I just couldn’t understand any of it. How could he. How could he do that?


He said he loved me, He still does. Then why this? Why did he do that? Dint he know that what he was doing id wrong? Dint he know that he would hurt me? Were everyone right and I wrong when I chose him?


I wanted to shout and scream at him, and maybe slap him for what he did. I was in a daze going crazy never understanding how or why did it happen.


All I know was he hurt me badly and no matter how much I want, I will never be able to forgive him.


It was strange. We never fought, loved each other so much but we were moving away. I started to hate him for committing that mistake doing something, which can never be undone. Why?


I was sad depressed, hating him at that moment. I was numb crazy. And that is when my brother asked me, 'were you happy with him?'


I was shocked and surprised at this question. Did he doubt him? 'Yes off course' I replied earnestly


I dint want him to think any other way because I was honestly very happy. 'And that is why I just dont understand...'


'Then why are you sad' he cut me. ‘Be happy that you had those moments.' I gave him a look and went away


But then as I laid down on bed for another sleepless night that is when my brother's words hit me


And I realized that no matter how hard he hurt me he was someone who made me happy


In all the small ways, he had given me a lot. He made me dancing on the air happy


He gave me the confidence I wanted, the self worth I needed and the friends group I always wished for


He gave me the smiles on my face my eyes. He gave the care, the love, the affection, which I always hoped for


He taught me many things. He told me how to smile forever. He showed me how to let my hair down and never take life seriously.


He made feel like a teenager experiencing love for the first time. I discovered, learnt, tried so many things with him. Stealing a moment here, stealing a kiss there, he gave me some years of my life, which I lost, back. Holding my hands he would make me feel complete. He taught me how to love myself…


And for that I will always be grateful


And as I got lost in these memories, smiling and crying at the same time, I found myself growing lighter and finally it was easy to let go to forgive to move on.


Though I will still be sad. I won’t talk to him but in my heart I have forgiven him. I have no grudges against him, no 'why' and 'how' questions in my mind. Just a smile that something that beautiful happened to me too

Though I know, in no time he will find someone else to share his life until eternity. I will be sad hurt at that time. Maybe I would never want to see his face then. But all that matter that I found someone who loved me truly..

It doesn’t matter if we are not together. Maybe it was never meant to be. We both came into each other’s life to learn and to teach. What matters is we were together and we enjoyed being together

And maybe someday I hope I will be past the hurt and will be able to remember him without the two tears(one off sadness and one off happiness) sticking onto my eyes.



Will always miss you

and see he gave me my blog back to me too


(song-lag jaa gale from wo kaun thi and roya re from dhoka)

mumbai.. again!!

i hated 

i loathed

i detested

... bombay

but now to think

was bombay much better-that i was so hurt-atleast i could write

or delhi is fine-where i am not that sad(i guess and hope)-and am not able to write

everything i have lost in the sands of time(and trust me i have lost many)

i miss writting the most

thanks xyzandyou

flowers

‘You shouldn’t buy flowers from here.’ I said as she paid the money to the girl selling flowers at the red light.

‘Why?’ she asked as our auto picked speed.

'Because they pick it up from graves.'

She smiled and stroked the flower as if to find the spirit of dead

‘Phool to phool he hote hai’ (flowers are flowers). She said after two minutes of silence.’ Placed in a temple they become pure, placed in graveyard they turn infected.
Flowers do not change. It is our perception and the way of thinking that change.
They just do their duty of bringing smiles across faces irrespective of where they are with who they are.


p.s former is the statement my friend always used to say and latter is the statement i always wanted to say

(songs-colorful by verve pipe and maine kaha from mili)

yippee!!

hii everyone

i got my first award.. a cute 'cherry on the top award'
i feel so so so happy that i dont have words to express.



ok here it is-

Now for the rules-

1. Thank the person who gave this award to you

2. Copy the Award and put it on your Blog

3. List Three things that you love about yourself

4. Post a picture you love

5. Tag Five people you want to pass this award on to

------

1. thank you saumya for the reward.. it is indeed beautiful and coming from an amazing writter like you, makes it even more special..(readers you can find her here and here..


2. already done.. isnt it cute..!!!

3. 
my kid at heart nature
my non-diplomatic and non-hypocrate nature
my ability to see good in everyone


4.

 love the quote

5. my 5(err.. 4-as i have to exclude saumya) near to heart blogger-

achyut..
prakhar ..
simmy..
viju..


:)

A Request

We had a death in our family

My mother’s maternal aunt, mamiji

She was somewhere around her mid-fifties

Had stone in her body

And she had an operation to get it removed

Even before the operation started, when she was sitting with everyone and talking, her BP went low and she died.


As I lay sobbing in my mother’s arm, with tears in her eyes, she told me that she had a feeling that she won’t live.

I looked at her with disbelief.

She continued that she never thought if operation would be successful or not; all that came to her mind was that she wouldn’t live

I was in shock and in that dazed voice I told her that I from past few days also felt the same.

Whenever I thought about her all that came to my mind was that she would die.
And as is usual I used to tell my mind not to think of something negative but every time my mind would wander to same old thing that she won’t live


Yesterday my mom returned from there

And she told me that most of the family had this vision

She told me that her younger daughter’s son, who likes to play ‘chidiya udd’ was saying ‘nani udd’ from past few days

One would often dismiss it as a child’s play but the strange part is he never used anyone one else name..


She told me that her elder daughter’s husband told his wife that she won’t live (he seems to have a very good sixth sense)

He even told his wife to write ‘sita ram’ for her mother (which she dint do owing to house chores)

He even fought with her and told her to be with her mother


She even told me that her elder daughter had a dream

She saw her father (who died three years ago) and mother and talking

And she thought her father is taking care of her mother to sail through the operation

Little she did know that he was missing her and calling her


I don’t know or understand why we saw these images. What was the bigger meaning behind them?

Is it if we would have payed heed to them we could have saved her
But isn’t it that the one who has to die.. has to.. no one can change death..

What was it?


As for her son

They never were financially well off

He did his CA with great difficulty (though he used to study)

He starts with his own coaching (he is quite successful now)

He got married at the age of 27

It didn’t work out

He got separated after one year of failed marriage at an age of 28

In between, he had a daughter who was born premature and died within some days

Due to grief, he lost his father the same year in June 2007 at the age 28

They framed him in the case of dowry

Finally, he got divorced

And now he lost his mother


So basically, at the age of 31 he is all alone with parents without wife without family


Hope now he gets an amazing life partner. (My mother says now he has to be even more compromising)

But I do hope whom so ever he gets is just perfect, just the one he deserves




p.s pray for the girl too coz she is also not happy

travel photo contest

well i was always interested in potography

though not very good at it.. i wasnt able to stop my self when i saw travel photographs blog competition ..

therefor, posting my pics for the same..

SOMEWHERE IN MADHYA PRADESH

(the journey)

this one was taken when i was travelling in rajdhani from mumbai to delhi and train took a diversion via MP. our train stopped somewhere. the sight was beautiful compared to other platforms we see.
looking at this it reminded me off the saying 'life is a non ending journey'

BANDRA WORLI SEALINK

 (connection)

the oh-ever-so-famous bandra worli sea link.
this was the first time i saw it and that too from the 20th floor of Taj lands.
i couldnt hepl but click it.

JAPENESE PARK, DELHI

these three pics are taken in japenese park in delhi.
i decided to go for a walk in the morning and take my camera along to give my interst a little extra push

(a bend in the road)

this one is a bend near the lake, remind me of the quote by Albert Camus: "Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken."

 (ray of hope)

this one is my brother's fav.
he likes the way sunlight is coming from the trees
btw, this is just before the bend
as if saying 'it doesnt matter how many bends you will find, you can always do with a little hope'

(a new day)

this one is my favourate..

i like the way old leaves are scattered around, giving way to new ones

telling us that one day we will also perish and wither but it is our actions that keep us alive

so these are my fav 5...

इंत़ज़ार

i know it cheating to put your old poems. but i havent written anything new for sometime.. :( :(.. and its been a while since i updated my blog.. so wanted to do it (nothing great though).. btw dis one i wrote 3 years back.. that doesnt make it so old.. does it...:D

ढुँढता हूँ तुझे परछाइयों में
पर साए में परछाइयाँ भी गुम हो गई है
सुनता हूँ तेरी आवाज़ हवाओं में
पर आंधियों में आवा़ज़ भी घुट गई है
देखता हुँ तेरी तस्वीर आँखों में
पर गमें-ऎ-इंत़ज़ार में आँखें भी विरान हो गई है
महसुस करता हूँ तुझे आइने में
पर अब तो शीशे की गरत भी धूल हो गयी है
रखता हूँ तुझे अपने दिल में
पर अब तो सारी यादें भी धुँधली हो गई है
गम-ऐ-जुदाई का आलम है
एक विरान सी ज़िदगी और एक कहानी है
ध्यान लगाए बैठा हूँ अब तेरी आहट का
पर शायद अब तू ख्वाब हो गई है
तुझ बिन ये ज़िन्दगी निलाम हो गई


(song-khaali haath from ijaazat-lata mangeshkar)